What will you do for lasting love?
Are you in a cycle of being single? Feels like for-ev-er since you met someone.
Do you keep attracting the same type as your ex(es)?
Is your pattern of great relationships that fizzle out at a month or 3. Every.Single.Time.
Those are some signals you've got a buried belief or past pain in your way of allowing love in. Keep reading... I'll share how you can set yourself up for success in dating!
Okay, so you meet someone - online, an introduction, out dancing, or in line at the grocery store. You are immediately attracted to them. You decide to go out, get coffee, or have dinner. It's so exciting; you finally met someone you dig and who digs you back. What will you wear?
You talk every day. Exchange texts. Sweet messages in the morning or before bed. Immediately (consciously or not) you begin to create a story in your mind about who they are (typically who you want them to be). You're dreaming about what your future could be. Living together, traveling, weekends away, marriage, kids.... Then you begin to compare your long list of qualifications. What kind of job they have, car they drive, do they live at home with their parents, are they a vegetarian, like dogs, have tatts, what kind of money do they make... Everything is checking out nicely.
You keep going out, having a great time, making googly eyes at one another, talking about future plans. The physical chemistry is out of this world! All of life feels so good when you're in love. Could this possibly be 'the one'? Butterflies in your stomach, you're telling your friends about them, they're on your mind all day. You begin checking off the qualifications that match your list. Yeah, this is it, you tell yourself.
You've opened your heart, you're feeling vulnerable, you are getting closer to them. It's what happens when you start to fall in love. And then... here is where potential trouble could begin.
Weird stuff starts happening. You pick a fight over pizza (or something truly insignificant). You blame them for not saying the 'right thing'. They're texting on their phone while you're out to dinner. They're acting weird. They stop sending sweet texts. It feels like they're pulling away.
It's not them, it's you. You have more power in creating a beautiful relationship - or destroying it - than you realize.
The most dangerous underlying current to wreck potential for great relationship is your unconscious thought patterns. They show up from past pains.
Past Pains could be past relationships or childhood traumas. Experiences you've made it through, but never truly healed. These may begin to unconsciously pop up. Your ego doesn't want to see you suffer again. It'll do anything to keep you from getting in a similar situation. You begin to sabotage the connection. You're flirting with others, trying to make them jealous. You test their love. Not really believing you deserve love (unconsciously perhaps), you think they're cheating. You become paranoid and start asking questions. You wonder 'how could they love me?' The fears starts giving you reasons this person isn't a good match (ignoring all the good qualifications).
What's really happening is your past pains and inner child are dating - not the grown adult, not the one who really wants love. You want love, but why does it keeps evading you?
You need to do your own healing work before you attract a relationship.
The likelihood of your relationship lasting is based on your availability to give and receive love. Otherwise, you'll sabotage it, attract someone like your past, have the relationship end just as it begins, or end up finding a bunch of things wrong with this quite perfect match for you.
Consider this before moving on to your next relationship.
- Give yourself time between relationships. A third of the time you were together is how long you may need to be single and ready for the next.
- Love yourself first. Fall in love with you. Become the person you wish to be with.
- Allow your heartache to heal. Feel the emotions.
- Get clear in what you want (list 5 must have's).
- Get clear in what you don't want (list 5 have not's).
- Don't distract yourself by jumping into dating or keeping busy. What's underlying the urge to be busy or super date needs healing.
Think of this time as preparatory time for the love you truly desire. Know that your significant other is also preparing for you. The inner work you do, the time you take to be with you, and the clarity you have on what you desire is all worth the wait for what your heart truly desires and deserves. I pinky swear!
Giving up resistance.
In conversation with someone this week they said losing weight was a simple formula. “Eat less, move more.” Maybe for some. But not for those who carry emotional weight, it isn’t lost by eating less.
My life long struggle with weight (and my body) began at the age of nine years old. I was an average sized kid. Maybe a little bigger than the shorter, smaller boned girls, but I was nowhere close to being overweight or having a struggle with food.
This one day I followed my model for self-hate into an office building. Nervous, unsure, and no idea where I was being taken. Signs on the wall said “hypnosis”. Feeling confused, a creepy old man led us into a small office. There were two green, puffy recliners on the left facing a huge blank white wall. It was a narrow, tight room – like a walk in closet. At least it felt that way.
I walked by him to my designated recliner. As I passed by him I had no idea what to do with the creepy energy I felt from him. He looked me up and down and said to this spunky pig-tailed girl “she’d be cute if she lost a few pounds.”
Bam. There it was. It’s like this automatic processing system his words went through in my mind. Through my heart. Through my soul. Out the other side came “there is something wrong with you”.
This began the cycle of a buried belief I wanted no one to ever find out about me. I stuffed it down with food. I tried to release it through fad diets (including pills with who-knows-what in them), starvation, and extreme exercise. Binge eating, drinking, dieting, and exercise was my cycle. All to numb that painful belief. Something is wrong with me. My cycle of survival worked. I’d lose weight. But, I’d soon find it again. Sometimes I’d find more weight than I lost.
It was an emotional and physical roller coaster I was on for the many years that followed that one day. The damage to my body wasn’t to the depths of what it did to my emotional well-being. On the journey to finally releasing and keeping off 100 pounds it was healing the emotions, that buried belief, and giving space to the feelings I’d stuffed for so long. That is what sustained the release of all that weight. Not because I ate less or exercised more.
So, I know, I really know losing weight is not a simple formula. It’s quite complicated with a painful buried belief about yourself. It’s complicated when you’ve learned food is a source of comfort. It’s complicated when you don’t have a model for self-love or self-acceptance.
In these few days I’ve spent in LA I’ve been really observant of the level of self-acceptance of my physical being. My body isn't perfect. It holds scars of my weight loss and weight gain journey. But, it certainly feels much lighter on my emotional well being. I accept exactly where I am right now and grateful to be healthier than I’ve ever been – on all levels. In 33 years, I’ve come a long way, baby.
Here's my formula - Radical Self-Love + Radical Self-Acceptance = happiness, health, and a bad ass beautiful life.
Don’t you just hate that about them? That 'thing' they do. The way they behave? The annoying traits...
A friend called for guidance. She’s in one of the best relationships of her life – he just might be her future husband. It’s been a beautiful journey for me to witness.
She didn’t like what she was seeing in herself. Her behaviors, how she was feeling. She’s noticing how she is acting out in this relationship the ways her exes had with her in past relationships. Men would act out in jealousy, insecurity, and fear. She couldn’t stand seeing this in them. It kept her from ever really committing to being with any of them.
Now, she is doing these exact things. She asked me why. Why is she doing the very exact things she hated when her exes did it? How is that possible?
What you see in another is a reflection of you. The things you love about another and the things you can’t stand in another you have within you.
What she was seeing in these past relationships were parts of her that she was dismissing. Her jealousy, her insecurity, and her fear. The only way you can see qualities within yourselves is reflections back from another. She wasn’t ready to see it for herself then. She is ready now.
That is what relationships do. They teach you about you. They bring out in you what you can’t bring out on your own. The most challenging relationships have the biggest lessons and opportunities for learning.
She has an opportunity now. A choice. She can continue to try and dismiss these qualities in herself – and probably sabotage the relationship. Or she can observe herself and learn to accept and integrate these parts of her. She is choosing love. She is choosing to accept these parts of her.
Wonderful. But, I encouraged her to go deeper. What is below the behaviors? She says - Fear. Fear of him messing up and kicking him to the curb. Go deeper I say.
It’s never about the other person. Ever.
What is it about you? You. Not him or what he’ll do. You. Ah, she realizes. It’s her fear of having to start all over with someone new. Maybe. Maybe not. Go deeper.
It’s the fear of being alone. There it is.
I do know a couple of things. Where you put your attention, it grows. The more fear you feed of him messing up, the likelihood it will happen.
Keep your focus within. It is the only place real change can occur.
The other thing I know is if this were to end, there is no going back. The man after this one would only be better, aligned with who she is. Because she is growing and expanding and loving herself more.
You’ll attract love at the level in which you love yourself.
So, what you see in another – love it up. Accept it, embrace it, and observe what you’re being shown. As you accept and embrace what you’ve dismissed in another, it inadvertently uplevels your acceptance and love for yourself. And this can only expand out into all experiences and relationships in your life.
Want to know what will knock your energy out of alignment with attracting the one?
Settling for less than you really desire and going on dates with just anyone to get out of the house or for a free drink or free meal. No judgment here – I’ve done it and learned from it!
You want to know how to prepare for "the one"? It is NOT going out with just anyone!
Intention trumps action.
I’m all about exploring and seeing if there is chemistry but, if they have qualities on your “no way” list or you’re simply not feeling it then don’t waste your time or theirs!
How you behave and treat others is or will be mirrored back at you - in the dating process or in another area of your life (some call it Karma or law of attraction).
If you're spending your time and energy with someone you know isn't what you desire, you're sending the message to the Universe that this is 'good enough', aligns you with this energy, and prevents what is really meant for you to find its way to you.
I know being alone can feel terrible at times (physically and emotionally!), but it's in the times you spend alone where you can heal from your past and prepare yourself to become the person you want to be with!
If you’re finding it difficult to be alone with yourself, how can you expect to attract someone into that same space and energy?
Sabrina experienced a HUGE change in who she was attracting.
“Since connecting with you and putting your guidance into practical use I have taken on an entirely different approach to dating and it has yielded AMAZING results! Things are looking up. Each time the date gets better!”
Work on you. Become your own best company. Tap into your creative, playful side. Do the things you’ve wanted to do. A woman with a life outside her work creates a fire within and a life full of passion and excitement. When you’re full within, you have so much more to share with another. And that in itself is attractive to others.
"No one can deny you or grant you anything. It all comes to you by virtue of your vibration." ~ Abraham
Are you focused so much on what you don’t want that it’s exactly what you’re attracting – what you don’t want?
You’ve had your share of bad dates and bad relationships you don’t want to repeat those again, but somehow you’re in that cycle of attracting the same type or none at all!
Expand Your Mind to Who Your Ideal Partner Is
Maybe your list of must have’s is too inflexible. They can't have tattoos, their hair has to be dark, short/long, they need own a home, be a millionaire, must love cats, can’t be a vegetarian... What really matters to you?
Yes, of course you want to be physically attracted to each other, have chemistry, and have common interests, but could you be allowing the person who possesses the traits that really matter to you in a relationship to pass you by?
Be really clear with yourself on what really matters and what you really want. I highly encourage you to be open to what it might look like - a lot of times the rigid list of qualities is your hearts way of keeping itself closed off and protected.
It really comes down to how you feel and what your heart tells you. Get out, mingle, and practice some flirting! Notice what you find attractive in strangers and acquaintances you cross paths with throughout your day. Then take a look at your list of 'must have's' and see if you could allow some of them to fall by the wayside knowing what you really desire may come in a package you least expected?
Are you ready?
Create a list of the 5 most important qualities that matter most to you. Need help? Look at what you don’t want and write the opposite. Continue to notice what you find attractive and desirable in a mate.
When you create that energy within you it becomes a magnet and attracts that similar vibration to you.
Would you like to be part of the Love Mastermind group? Want to get uber clear about what you want and how you want to feel? We're doing just that and supporting you in clearing what is in your way to attracting LOVE! More information here.
“Be the love you wish to attract.”
How do you feel when you see a happy couple?
What goes through your mind and body when you see them holding hands, running errands together, sharing PDA, or doing the stuff together that you’re doing alone?
How your body feels and how you react to seeing something you want is a huge clue and indication of how you really feel about love and relationships.
- feel angry or jealous (or both)?
- make fun of them, mumble something to yourself or friend or unconsciously have a negative feeling about what you're observing?
- sense a pit in your stomach; does your chest tighten up?
- feel sad to see happy couples when you’re single?
If you have any of those reactions:
· you might be unconsciously holding onto past pains,
· have deeper fears of getting hurt,
· have a buried belief that you can’t have what they have
All causing your heart to be unknowingly closed down to love.
When I first introduced Fia-Lynn into my love coaching program she was obsessive about finding love, had pains from her past holding her back, and attracting men who were similar to her past relationships. She was ready to change what she was experiencing!
After going through my coaching program, she says:
"My Entire Life is in the Vibration of Love!" Before working with you and your program I felt a neediness around love and had a very hard time being alone. And I couldn't attract the type of guy that I really wanted to be with. Dating was a very frustrating and exhausting experience filled with a lot of disappointment. I no longer feel lonely and needy around love, I feel love ALL of the time, no matter who's around or even if I am alone. And I am amazed at who I've attracted into my life!” She is now living with her boyfriend / Twin Flame!
If you’re feeling this way, what can you do?
Have appreciation for the things you see and want, but don’t yet have. Your energetic vibration tells the Universe you like it and this is what I want!
Thoughts and feelings are energy- what you think about and how you feel aligns with similar energy and attracts that. The good news is if you’re seeing happy couples it means you're that much closer to it. But how you feel about it will indicate what is in your way to having it. Pay attention to your feelings and reactions, they are a HUGE clue to identifying what is in your way from having it for yourself.
If what you’re feeling is not in alignment with what you really want to feel and experience; create an inner shift. Act as if what you see is also yours.
It’s all about your inner energy!
You're successful, you work hard, take care of your home and maybe children and pets, you have networking to do, outside obligations, you're running a business with a team, you're on committees and in groups and do everything else that goes along with being in charge of your life. Yet, that you leave no time or space for a relationship.
Is there room in your life for Love? Ask yourself these 2 questions:
1. Why am I keeping myself so busy?
Are you avoiding the alone time? Are you afraid of what it might feel like if you had the time to yourself? If you're avoiding being with yourself do you really feel you'll make good company for someone else?
2. Do I really want to be in a relationship?
Seems like an obvious question. You have an online dating profile, you 'put yourself out there', and there is a part of you that wants a relationship. But, what time and attention are you putting toward having a relationship?
Just like all the other successes in your life, a relationship requires time, attention, and energy (at least, the ones worthwhile). If you can’t create time and space for in your life now, can you really expect to magically have that time and space in your life when a relationship comes along?
I know you’re probably saying, “I’ll make time when it comes”. It doesn’t work that way. You won't be given more than you can handle and if you're too busy with other things in your life, a relationship cannot makes its way in.
Are you ready to make a shift? Here's how:
Create space in your life, in your day, in your week, in your month.
Mark free time in your calendar. Create non-working time. Let go of things you don’t love doing. Stop saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do. Get out and be social (not just networking events). Give your life some space; it creates a vacuum to attract what you want into the space you’ve created.
If having alone time is too uncomfortable for you, that is a good sign there is something underneath that needs healing and attention. A relationship is not the cure for loneliness or heartache, healing is the cure.
“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
You have to Detox and Detach from your past relationship!
Whether your past relationship ended abruptly or it was on a downward spiral for some time, giving yourself time, space and healing is imperative to preparing yourself for the next relationship.
Detoxing and detaching from past relationships is a very important part of the process in attracting your next partner. You don’t want to be bringing your pain, hurt, and broken heart in to the next relationship (some might call it baggage).
Here are some hints you have some detoxing to do:
* You still complain about your ex and how they did you
* When you talk about past relationships you feel anger, sadness, and resentment
* You spend time wondering how things could have been different, what you could have
done differently, or what could have been (dreams lost)
* You catch yourself scheming how to get them back (into your life or how to hurt them)
You’re wasting your precious time and energy looking outward! Real, permanent change happens within.
This is important to know - You attract people into your life to learn about love - love for yourself and love for another.
Love will bring up anything unlike itself.
Holding onto the past through talking about it or having unresolved feelings about it will keep the energy between you both alive. When negative energy is rampant and there is still a connection to another active there is no space for someone new and better for you to come into your life. Sometimes the past pain is very deep and you may not even be aware you're still carrying it around.
Still not over your ex? How to Detox and detach:
There was much to be learned from the past and your experience. Before you jump into that next relationship or hop on the dating wagon, take some time out and understand what you were meant to learn.
Your special someone is waiting for you to do what it takes to align with them and their energy.
- Learn and close that chapter of your life.
- Stop blaming your ex.
- Take responsibility for your participation.
- Identify patterns and change them.
- Forgive them.
- Forgive yourself.
- Detach the negative talk.
- Detox from the negative feelings.
- Give yourself time to heal.
- Get support for the deeper pain and healing you need.
Do you feel any of this?
- You're easily angered.
- You feel overwhelmed.
- You can't stick to your exercise routine... or start one.
- You crave sugar and junk food... yet, want to lose weight.
- You have a ton to do, but don't have the energy to do anything.
- You just want to sleep and watch TV.
- You're ditching and avoiding responsibility.
- You're self-sabotaging and can't stop.
- You're emotional and don't know why
Your inner child is having a temper tantrum.
We all have an inner child. That is the part of us who is fun, playful, emotional, free-spirited, creative, non-judgmental, and makes friends easily.
But, when she is not getting the love and attention she needs, she throws a temper tantrum and that impacts you and your life.
If any of the above rang true for you I bet you do have a ton on your plate - work, kids, home, finances - and they're all stressing you out. Not enough time and too much to do.
When is the last time you gave yourself a break?
A break doesn't have to be 10 days in the Caribbean (although that would be nice). It could be as simple as a few minutes in the morning before you jump out of bed to check in with yourself (and your inner child). Check in, see how you're feeling, see what you want to do for the day, and see what you need.
Are you are always rushing through the day, checking things off the 'to do' list, running from place to place, always worrying about a problem to solve, or creating new business ideas? Your mind and body need a break.
Give yourself a break.
Sit and eat a meal vs grab and go or standing at the counter. Get to bed 10 minutes early. Stretch for five minutes before you jump out of bed. Grab a journal and write your thoughts out to release them from rolling around in your mind. What do you do for yourself that makes you feel good?
Self-care is not an indulgence. It's a necessity.
The lack of self-care puts your inner child in a tantrum. When you dismiss her (your needs and desires) she doesn't feel like a priority. She doesn't feel cared for. She doesn't feel loved. And what usually happens is you (she) starts looking outside herself to have these needs met.
You can't get from another what you aren't willing to give yourself.
Do this for yourself (and your inner child). Give yourself time. Give yourself attention. Take a coffee break, make time to work out, sit down for a meal with a friend, go play, have fun, don't take yourself so seriously. When your inner child is able to feel safe, loved, and cared for she no longer has to steal energy from you by halting your world.
Consider the small amount of time you take to check in with her preventative medicine. Ultimately, you'll be giving yourself what the deepest parts of you desires. The benefit? More energy, more joy, you'll feel loved and cared for. When you're able to give and accept that from yourself, you'll attract others who treat you the same way.
I was talking to a friend the other day and he was going on about his girlfriend and her nagging, mistrust and insecurities. I finally asked “why are you with her?” He went into a story about how the other ‘options’ out there really aren’t any better.
Are you effin’ kidding me? I know some pretty amazing single women who are secure and have more going for themselves than to worry about nagging anyone.
He took a 6 month break last year to explore his "options". Because, you know, it's never about you and the grass is greener (insert sarcasm here). His friends set him up on a few random blind dates and he spent time alone too. But his insecure, nagging girlfriend is still better than “what is out there”. Really?
Reminds me of this quote I saw today “Better to be alone, than hurt in love”. Maybe it’s not necessarily painful for him to be in the relationship. I believe there is no reason for anyone to settle. You don’t have to compromise on having someone mistrust you or nag on you about stuff they’re not willing to do themselves. Compromise on dinner times, what side of the bed to sleep on and TV shows - not your heart and self respect. What's painful is not allowing your heart to fully express itself with another, having to explain yourself and your where-abouts constantly, and having to deal with someone else’s insecurities (who isn't willing to work on them herself).
I began to wonder – is this an ideal relationship he has been dreaming about? I doubt
it. Then my mind began to wonder about the times I settled in my relationships. The men who cheated, but I took them back; the ones where we fought like cats and dogs, but came back together, or the ones who had nothing to offer but a good time in bed. My heart desires more. As painful as letting go and being single is, my heart deserves more. Your heart deserves more.
I believe what you want is available to you. Anything and everything. You’re a powerful creator. You can attract – and do - attract amazing things into your life. You know, the parking space, the perfect outfit (on sale even), and the friend who calls just when you think of her. Why are those things so easy? You’re not attached. Love and your heart are riskier - there is more at stake.
Are you afraid at failing in love? Do you doubt what you really want exists? What came to me when pondering this was it’s not about what is ‘out there’ it’s about what is going on within. It’s the doubts, insecurities, and fears. Yours. Let them go.
What if you could really have what you wanted? If there were a genie lamp in front of you, what would you wish for? Do you believe it exists? Do you believe YOU are good enough to have what you really want? Doubt will get in your way of allowing and attracting your hearts desires. Ditch your doubts.
Make a wish
You are the only one in the way of having what you really want. Your limiting beliefs. Your fears. Your insecurities and doubts. If you knew you were the most amazing catch available, would you settle for the relationship that is currently in your life? Would you settle for those you go out with and give your time and attention to? If you were to rub a magic lamp, would this be the relationship / partner you’d wish for?
Dream it up.
Wish for it.
Fall in love with you. Realize your amazingness. Put some time and attention on all that is great, fun, handsome, sexy, talented, and gifted about you. Because, it’s not so much about what is ‘out there’, it’s about what’s ‘in there’. When you clear away your own insecurity, fears, and doubts how you feel about you, you shine. People see that. That is attractive. Like attracts like.The hunt for the perfect mate ends because you become a living magnet for who you are. It becomes effortless.
Be the person you wish to be with. Don’t settle for less than what your heart desires.
Treat yourself as you wish to be treated by another. Dream big about who you want to spend your precious time and life with.
What you desire IS out there.... don't settle for less than what you're heart truly desires.
You know exactly why you are reading this message right now.
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