Learn to accept and embrace all parts of you.
Don’t you just hate that about them? That 'thing' they do. The way they behave? The annoying traits...
A friend called for guidance. She’s in one of the best relationships of her life – he just might be her future husband. It’s been a beautiful journey for me to witness.
She didn’t like what she was seeing in herself. Her behaviors, how she was feeling. She’s noticing how she is acting out in this relationship the ways her exes had with her in past relationships. Men would act out in jealousy, insecurity, and fear. She couldn’t stand seeing this in them. It kept her from ever really committing to being with any of them.
Now, she is doing these exact things. She asked me why. Why is she doing the very exact things she hated when her exes did it? How is that possible?
What you see in another is a reflection of you. The things you love about another and the things you can’t stand in another you have within you.
What she was seeing in these past relationships were parts of her that she was dismissing. Her jealousy, her insecurity, and her fear. The only way you can see qualities within yourselves is reflections back from another. She wasn’t ready to see it for herself then. She is ready now.
That is what relationships do. They teach you about you. They bring out in you what you can’t bring out on your own. The most challenging relationships have the biggest lessons and opportunities for learning.
She has an opportunity now. A choice. She can continue to try and dismiss these qualities in herself – and probably sabotage the relationship. Or she can observe herself and learn to accept and integrate these parts of her. She is choosing love. She is choosing to accept these parts of her.
Wonderful. But, I encouraged her to go deeper. What is below the behaviors? She says - Fear. Fear of him messing up and kicking him to the curb. Go deeper I say.
It’s never about the other person. Ever.
What is it about you? You. Not him or what he’ll do. You. Ah, she realizes. It’s her fear of having to start all over with someone new. Maybe. Maybe not. Go deeper.
It’s the fear of being alone. There it is.
I do know a couple of things. Where you put your attention, it grows. The more fear you feed of him messing up, the likelihood it will happen.
Keep your focus within. It is the only place real change can occur.
The other thing I know is if this were to end, there is no going back. The man after this one would only be better, aligned with who she is. Because she is growing and expanding and loving herself more.
You’ll attract love at the level in which you love yourself.
So, what you see in another – love it up. Accept it, embrace it, and observe what you’re being shown. As you accept and embrace what you’ve dismissed in another, it inadvertently uplevels your acceptance and love for yourself. And this can only expand out into all experiences and relationships in your life.
What level is your love vibration?
Well, energy. What does energy have to do with Love?
A friend recently asked me "Do you have an opinion on age difference in dating?" My response?
"Love knows no age or number."
When it comes to Love it's not about anything outside of you. It is within. It is your energy. It is where your heart is ready and aligned to interact with next. It is what you're ready for. It is about what is for your highest and best good.
Your highest and best good looks like....
Probably not anything you would imagine. This person whom you attract into your life is precisely who you're meant to dance with now. They may be older, younger, not in the profession you thought your partner would be in, have tattoos, have a dog (you don't like dogs), yadda yadda yadda.
How will you know?
You'll know by how you feel when you're with this person. Are you excited? Intrigued? Do you feel heard? Is there a common exchange of interest between you both? Is there a chemistry, an attraction? It's not always about the physical attraction either - again, energy.
What does energy have to do with Love?
Everything. Energy is nervousness and excitement. Both normal feelings when meeting someone new. But, don't let that hold you back from moving forward. Love is energy. Fear is energy. Energy will also keep you from attracting who you really desire for yourself.
Fear and Love.
Fear and love cannot coexist. When it comes to attracting love and relationship, if you have past pains from previous relationships still in your heart that will prevent you from opening up to another in a healthy way. You might find yourself reaching out for another relationship to heal your broken heart, but chances are that won't last. If you have buried beliefs about Love ("all the good ones are taken", "I'll get hurt again") you'll experience exactly what you believe.
Love is not anything outside of you.
It is about what is within. Heal your heart. Heal your past pains. Transform your buried beliefs. Align your energy with your hearts desire. Sounds more difficult than it really is, but OH, so worth having what your heart and Soul truly desire.
#1 relationship is the one between You and You!
Treat Yourself as You Wish to Be Treated
You attract to you what your energy gives out.
You teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself.
How do you treat yourself?
When you don’t make yourself a priority, no one else will.
No one can see you as more of a priority or more important than you see yourself. They see what comes from you. They treat you how you treat you. Would you want to attract someone into your life who treated you disrespectfully, didn’t make you a priority, or didn’t have time for you?
Is self care and self love being selfish? No.
Here’s how to shift what you're attracting:
Begin treating yourself how you want to be treated and you'll see Love expanding in your life. Don't settle for less than what you desire - "The One" is out there waiting for you!
"You accept the love you believe you deserve."
Do you have internal blocks to love?
Are you focused so much on what you don’t want that it’s exactly what you’re attracting – what you don’t want?
You’ve had your share of bad dates and bad relationships you don’t want to repeat those again, but somehow you’re in that cycle of attracting the same type or none at all!
Expand Your Mind to Who Your Ideal Partner Is
Maybe your list of must have’s is too inflexible. They can't have tattoos, their hair has to be dark, short/long, they need own a home, be a millionaire, must love cats, can’t be a vegetarian... What really matters to you?
Yes, of course you want to be physically attracted to each other, have chemistry, and have common interests, but could you be allowing the person who possesses the traits that really matter to you in a relationship to pass you by?
Be really clear with yourself on what really matters and what you really want. I highly encourage you to be open to what it might look like - a lot of times the rigid list of qualities is your hearts way of keeping itself closed off and protected.
It really comes down to how you feel and what your heart tells you. Get out, mingle, and practice some flirting! Notice what you find attractive in strangers and acquaintances you cross paths with throughout your day. Then take a look at your list of 'must have's' and see if you could allow some of them to fall by the wayside knowing what you really desire may come in a package you least expected?
Are you ready?
Create a list of the 5 most important qualities that matter most to you. Need help? Look at what you don’t want and write the opposite. Continue to notice what you find attractive and desirable in a mate.
When you create that energy within you it becomes a magnet and attracts that similar vibration to you.
Would you like to be part of the Love Mastermind group? Want to get uber clear about what you want and how you want to feel? We're doing just that and supporting you in clearing what is in your way to attracting LOVE! More information here.
“Be the love you wish to attract.”
How do you feel when you see a happy couple?
What goes through your mind and body when you see them holding hands, running errands together, sharing PDA, or doing the stuff together that you’re doing alone?
How your body feels and how you react to seeing something you want is a huge clue and indication of how you really feel about love and relationships.
If you have any of those reactions:
· you might be unconsciously holding onto past pains,
· have deeper fears of getting hurt,
· have a buried belief that you can’t have what they have
All causing your heart to be unknowingly closed down to love.
When I first introduced Fia-Lynn into my love coaching program she was obsessive about finding love, had pains from her past holding her back, and attracting men who were similar to her past relationships. She was ready to change what she was experiencing!
After going through my coaching program, she says:
"My Entire Life is in the Vibration of Love!" Before working with you and your program I felt a neediness around love and had a very hard time being alone. And I couldn't attract the type of guy that I really wanted to be with. Dating was a very frustrating and exhausting experience filled with a lot of disappointment. I no longer feel lonely and needy around love, I feel love ALL of the time, no matter who's around or even if I am alone. And I am amazed at who I've attracted into my life!” She is now living with her boyfriend / Twin Flame!
If you’re feeling this way, what can you do?
Have appreciation for the things you see and want, but don’t yet have. Your energetic vibration tells the Universe you like it and this is what I want!
Thoughts and feelings are energy- what you think about and how you feel aligns with similar energy and attracts that. The good news is if you’re seeing happy couples it means you're that much closer to it. But how you feel about it will indicate what is in your way to having it. Pay attention to your feelings and reactions, they are a HUGE clue to identifying what is in your way from having it for yourself.
If what you’re feeling is not in alignment with what you really want to feel and experience; create an inner shift. Act as if what you see is also yours.
It’s all about your inner energy!
You're successful, you work hard, take care of your home and maybe children and pets, you have networking to do, outside obligations, you're running a business with a team, you're on committees and in groups and do everything else that goes along with being in charge of your life. Yet, that you leave no time or space for a relationship.
Is there room in your life for Love? Ask yourself these 2 questions:
1. Why am I keeping myself so busy?
Are you avoiding the alone time? Are you afraid of what it might feel like if you had the time to yourself? If you're avoiding being with yourself do you really feel you'll make good company for someone else?
2. Do I really want to be in a relationship?
Seems like an obvious question. You have an online dating profile, you 'put yourself out there', and there is a part of you that wants a relationship. But, what time and attention are you putting toward having a relationship?
Just like all the other successes in your life, a relationship requires time, attention, and energy (at least, the ones worthwhile). If you can’t create time and space for in your life now, can you really expect to magically have that time and space in your life when a relationship comes along?
I know you’re probably saying, “I’ll make time when it comes”. It doesn’t work that way. You won't be given more than you can handle and if you're too busy with other things in your life, a relationship cannot makes its way in.
Are you ready to make a shift? Here's how:
Create space in your life, in your day, in your week, in your month.
Mark free time in your calendar. Create non-working time. Let go of things you don’t love doing. Stop saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do. Get out and be social (not just networking events). Give your life some space; it creates a vacuum to attract what you want into the space you’ve created.
If having alone time is too uncomfortable for you, that is a good sign there is something underneath that needs healing and attention. A relationship is not the cure for loneliness or heartache, healing is the cure.
“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
You have to Detox and Detach from your past relationship!
Whether your past relationship ended abruptly or it was on a downward spiral for some time, giving yourself time, space and healing is imperative to preparing yourself for the next relationship.
Detoxing and detaching from past relationships is a very important part of the process in attracting your next partner. You don’t want to be bringing your pain, hurt, and broken heart in to the next relationship (some might call it baggage).
Here are some hints you have some detoxing to do:
* You still complain about your ex and how they did you
* When you talk about past relationships you feel anger, sadness, and resentment
* You spend time wondering how things could have been different, what you could have
done differently, or what could have been (dreams lost)
* You catch yourself scheming how to get them back (into your life or how to hurt them)
You’re wasting your precious time and energy looking outward! Real, permanent change happens within.
This is important to know - You attract people into your life to learn about love - love for yourself and love for another.
Love will bring up anything unlike itself.
Holding onto the past through talking about it or having unresolved feelings about it will keep the energy between you both alive. When negative energy is rampant and there is still a connection to another active there is no space for someone new and better for you to come into your life. Sometimes the past pain is very deep and you may not even be aware you're still carrying it around.
Still not over your ex? How to Detox and detach:
There was much to be learned from the past and your experience. Before you jump into that next relationship or hop on the dating wagon, take some time out and understand what you were meant to learn.
Your special someone is waiting for you to do what it takes to align with them and their energy.
Wikipedia describes Commitment Phobia as:"Fear of commitment in much popular literature refers to avoidance of long-term partnership and/or marriage but the problem is often much more pervasive, affecting school, work, and home life as well."
Do you find yourself attracting this "type" of partner and relationship over and over again? You know, the type who seems open and interested in being in relationship until it begins to move toward a committed relationship? You meet, go on a few dates, there is a connection, but it doesn't go further?
"Why did he lead me on?",
"Why can't he just open his heart?",
"Why can't he figure out what he wants?",
"Why won't he tell me how he feels?", and the heart breaking
"Why did he suddenly pull away?"
It's not him. It's you. Sorry, darling. You attract based on the vibration and
energy you have within yourself.
Your past pains, childhood wounds and buried beliefs - when you're operating from these places, you'll attract exactly what you're afraid of or don't want. I know. Why would you attract precisely what you're afraid of? Because it's familiar; it's what you know. You either learned it or created it as a protection mechanism.
What you see in another is a mirror reflection of what is going on within you.
Reflecting back to you are your childhood wounds and past pains. They will repeat themselves through relationships and experiences until they are learned. Buried beliefs, until identified and transformed, will continue to attract what is a match to that belief. You must pay attention to your unconscious thoughts and beliefs - you create your life from this space.
Not sure what space you're in? Take a look at what you're experiencing and really dig deep and ask yourself "what are my true beliefs are about love, relationship, money, success?" There lies the power to change your life. Change your thoughts and beliefs - your life changes.
Because of these buried beliefs, what is happening in one area of your life is happening in others - at some form or another.
What is happening for you? How is your commitment to health, your workout routine, your business? What is your commitment level to yourself? This other person or situation is reflecting back to you what is going on within you. I know it seems glaringly obvious it's the other person who needs to change. Nope (trust me, I've spent way too much time and energy there). You it's you. You need to heal and change yourself and your experiences and relationships will change. Guaranteed.
If you're currently in a relationship, it is totally possible for that relationship to shift and change. As you heal, you help others heal. As you release the walls you've built to keep yourself "safe", you create a space for others to feel safe too. Don't give up on that relationship just yet. Work on yourself and let go of trying to change another. If you're single, work on yourself - it's the only person you have the ability to change.
What keeps you from changing are the deeper fears. What are you afraid of? Afraid to get hurt - Fear of being left - Fear of losing yourself? All typical fears (shhh... I have a secret - everyone has these same fears). Maybe you're afraid of picking the wrong person. How are these fears serving you? Aren't they precisely what is in your way to having what you really want? Love.
What do you really want? You certainly don't intend to search out someone to hurt you, but without healing the underlying wounds and pains, you attract just that - someone to help you heal them.
You can heal and change your experiences - in love, career, money, health. You don't have to attract partners and experienin to help you heal them. It can be done on your own and it can happen quickly. At some point you have to let go of what feels "safe", let those walls down, and open your heart in order to allow yourself to experience something you deeply desire.
Would you rather roll the dice and lose or never roll the dice at all?
Summer Lovin' and it feels SO good!
The Summer kind of sped up - all the sudden the picnic holidays, beach days, and parties are upon us. Are you going alone? Or wishing you had a date to bring along to suffer through Aunt Sally's annual pig roast?
Going to picnics and parties alone isn't much fun. Missing out on things you want to do, but don't because you have no one to share it with is a bummer too. Even worse at times -coming home after a party to an empty house.
Do you want love and relationship? Ready to have someone to share your life and the fun times with?
Maybe you're one to enjoy spending Summer single. But what happens come Fall and Winter when you're alone and wanting to cuddle?
With everything the amount of effort you put in is equal to the results you'll receive. Dating doesn't have to be hard, it can be fun and exciting. It's all in how you think about it and knowing the way to maneuver around.
If you're ready to put one foot forward in dating and attracting that partner, start here with some tips to get you going. Before long Winter will be here and you'll be ready for cuddling.