What will you do for lasting love?
Are you in a cycle of being single? Feels like for-ev-er since you met someone.
Do you keep attracting the same type as your ex(es)?
Is your pattern of great relationships that fizzle out at a month or 3. Every.Single.Time.
Those are some signals you've got a buried belief or past pain in your way of allowing love in. Keep reading... I'll share how you can set yourself up for success in dating!
Okay, so you meet someone - online, an introduction, out dancing, or in line at the grocery store. You are immediately attracted to them. You decide to go out, get coffee, or have dinner. It's so exciting; you finally met someone you dig and who digs you back. What will you wear?
You talk every day. Exchange texts. Sweet messages in the morning or before bed. Immediately (consciously or not) you begin to create a story in your mind about who they are (typically who you want them to be). You're dreaming about what your future could be. Living together, traveling, weekends away, marriage, kids.... Then you begin to compare your long list of qualifications. What kind of job they have, car they drive, do they live at home with their parents, are they a vegetarian, like dogs, have tatts, what kind of money do they make... Everything is checking out nicely.
You keep going out, having a great time, making googly eyes at one another, talking about future plans. The physical chemistry is out of this world! All of life feels so good when you're in love. Could this possibly be 'the one'? Butterflies in your stomach, you're telling your friends about them, they're on your mind all day. You begin checking off the qualifications that match your list. Yeah, this is it, you tell yourself.
You've opened your heart, you're feeling vulnerable, you are getting closer to them. It's what happens when you start to fall in love. And then... here is where potential trouble could begin.
Weird stuff starts happening. You pick a fight over pizza (or something truly insignificant). You blame them for not saying the 'right thing'. They're texting on their phone while you're out to dinner. They're acting weird. They stop sending sweet texts. It feels like they're pulling away.
It's not them, it's you. You have more power in creating a beautiful relationship - or destroying it - than you realize.
The most dangerous underlying current to wreck potential for great relationship is your unconscious thought patterns. They show up from past pains.
Past Pains could be past relationships or childhood traumas. Experiences you've made it through, but never truly healed. These may begin to unconsciously pop up. Your ego doesn't want to see you suffer again. It'll do anything to keep you from getting in a similar situation. You begin to sabotage the connection. You're flirting with others, trying to make them jealous. You test their love. Not really believing you deserve love (unconsciously perhaps), you think they're cheating. You become paranoid and start asking questions. You wonder 'how could they love me?' The fears starts giving you reasons this person isn't a good match (ignoring all the good qualifications).
What's really happening is your past pains and inner child are dating - not the grown adult, not the one who really wants love. You want love, but why does it keeps evading you?
You need to do your own healing work before you attract a relationship.
The likelihood of your relationship lasting is based on your availability to give and receive love. Otherwise, you'll sabotage it, attract someone like your past, have the relationship end just as it begins, or end up finding a bunch of things wrong with this quite perfect match for you.
Consider this before moving on to your next relationship.
- Give yourself time between relationships. A third of the time you were together is how long you may need to be single and ready for the next.
- Love yourself first. Fall in love with you. Become the person you wish to be with.
- Allow your heartache to heal. Feel the emotions.
- Get clear in what you want (list 5 must have's).
- Get clear in what you don't want (list 5 have not's).
- Don't distract yourself by jumping into dating or keeping busy. What's underlying the urge to be busy or super date needs healing.
Think of this time as preparatory time for the love you truly desire. Know that your significant other is also preparing for you. The inner work you do, the time you take to be with you, and the clarity you have on what you desire is all worth the wait for what your heart truly desires and deserves. I pinky swear!
You let someone down, love yourself anyway.
You gained 10 pounds, love yourself anyway.
You got fired, love yourself anyway.
Your relationship ended, love yourself anyway.
You lost your home, love yourself anyway.
Your body has changed, love yourself anyway.
You lost your temper, love yourself anyway.
You're unorganized, love yourself anyway.
You're finances are out of order, love yourself anyway.
You forgot to file your taxes, love yourself anyway.
You hurt someone's feelings, love yourself anyway.
You picked the wrong one again, love yourself anyway.
Your friendship suddenly ended, love yourself anyway.
You were abandoned, love yourself anyway.
You numbed your feelings, love yourself anyway.
You slipped off your diet, love yourself anyway.
You were cheated on, love yourself anyway.
Your business failed, love yourself anyway.
You were lied to, love yourself anyway.
You were misunderstood, love yourself anyway.
You were left out, love yourself anyway.
You stayed too long, love yourself anyway.
You wish it never happened, love yourself anyway.
You were abused by those you trusted, love yourself anyway.
You're too tall / too short, love yourself anyway.
You were rejected, love yourself anyway.
You spent too much, love yourself anyway.
You weren't chosen, love yourself anyway.
You lost everything, love yourself anyway.
You were misled, love yourself anyway.
You're not where you want to be, love yourself anyway.
Unconditional Love. Practice it on yourself until it comes natural as breathing. No one can love you more than you love yourself.
I pulled this Angel card just last week
I was feeling very much in my head this morning. Judging myself. Telling myself what I "should" do. Shaming myself for what I wasn't wanting to do. Do I meditate, read, write, go for a walk...? But, there are "things" to be done. Ha...! Healing, self-love, and self-care deserve time and energy too (more on breaking the paradigm of 'doing' on another post).
For me, the best way to get out of my head, get clarity, and connect with my higher self, God, The Universe, Divine, and connect with my guides is to get outside (I needed everyone on board today). It's as though no matter where I am I step into another dimension and have a direct connect conversation with the infinite mind. I know that in taking care of me, everything else gets taken care of.
This morning my own mind was like being on gerbil wheel - thoughts going nowhere. Wanting to connect back to faith and trust, I stepped out the door. Being really adamant about needing clarity and direction I set my intention before I left. I let 'them' know I ain't fucking around and I need answers! Not knowing is uber uncomfortable for anyone who believes they really have control over anything. This walk was really about that... surrendering, remembering I'm right where I'm meant to be, my highest and best is always taken care of... and I'm not really in control of anything but my own mind and thoughts.
Taking care of my physical, emotional, and spiritual body, I put my sneakers on and off I went. Not far down the road I come across a penny. Pennies and dimes - my sign I'm not alone (#angelswhispers - follow me on Instagram). Okay Angels, I'm ready! Whatcha got?
Around the corner I come upon an elderly neighbor working in his yard.
"Good afternoon" I say.
Standing in his 'I'm 60' celebratory t-shirt, he happily greats me back. After a pause and as I'm a few steps ahead he says "You're going uphill".
I say "I know..." (I knew this was related to what I needed to hear)
His reply "You've got to go downhill"
Me "I don't know where it is"
Him "Me either"
Laughing my ass off inside.... Thank you, Spirit. I hear you. There is an easier way. I KNOW there is. It's one of my natural gifts - to find the way of ease and effortlessness.
The rest of my walk spent intending to release struggle, intending to bring ease and effortlessness to my healing process, intending to bring peace to my mind, intending to flow downhill...
And what came to me was "You need to go up hill to know the way of going down hill".Which do you choose?
* When it comes to relationship?
* When it comes to money?
* When it comes to self-love?
* When it comes to career?
* When it comes to your own process?
Do you choose uphill or downhill? Because when you know both ways, you get to choose. There is where your power lies - in choosing for yourself.
On the way back, my wise earth Angel was stepping back out of his garage exclaimed "YOU FOUND IT!". Yes, yes I did. Thank you. And I choose differently.
"Life Talks to Me" ~ I call out to God and God answers. I listen, for the answer might be in the next lines I read, in the next picture I see, in the next words I hear, or in the next person I meet. God is everywhere."
The swings helped me back into my body
A lot has shifted and transpired for me in just a few short months. The last year and a half has been one of the most transforming in my life - about that another time.I know I'm not alone. You've experienced it, right? Are you questioning your life purpose, your relationships, your career? Clients, friends, and others I see are going through huge transitions and change. Not a simple path, but surely well worth the commitment. A commitment to letting go what no longer serves you. Years ago these changes, shifts, and upheavals would have torn me down for a long while. Depressed, binge eating/drinking, fighting with those around me, sabotaging myself. I hung on to what I knew, what felt safe, and afraid of what I'd be losing. It's different now - and much less heartache and struggle. It's been my search for truth and understanding of the process of life (self-help junkie that I am) and what we're here for that has helped me stay afloat. I have many healing processes and techniques in my tool belt and now I move through these huge changes much more quickly (thankfully). It's what I'm here to do personally and professionally...I invite you to open your mind to a shift in perception. A shift in seeing pain, anguish, change (being fired, a break up, leaving a home, etc.) in a different way. BTW - all three of those things happened to me in the last 4 months. It's all part of my co-creation to align with where I'm being led. All good.
Before your descent into your physical body, the light you truly are chose the path, the lessons, and the soul growth you are experiencing. Tweet thisEverything you co-create and choose from there. You have free will. The basis of your learning and purpose here remains. The people in your life agreed to participate in the expansion of you. And you agreed to do the same for them.Perhaps you chose the lesson of:
The beauty of this process is as you heal your own barriers, it up-levels the entire energy field of others. The tough work you do is not in vain.
- Abandonment so you could learn you're never alone.
- Loss to guide you to opening your heart.
- Shame so you could learn unconditional love for yourself.
You are important.
What you desires is yours to have.
You deserve all the good your heart knows is possible.
I invite you to shift your perception in seeing that everything is unfolding for your highest and best good. Always.I'd love to hear your thoughts... leave a comment below or come on over to my Facebook page. Are you experiencing huge change? What helps you through the transformation? Do you know what you're holding onto? What are you afraid of if you were to let go?
Giving up resistance.
In conversation with someone this week they said losing weight was a simple formula. “Eat less, move more.” Maybe for some. But not for those who carry emotional weight, it isn’t lost by eating less.
My life long struggle with weight (and my body) began at the age of nine years old. I was an average sized kid. Maybe a little bigger than the shorter, smaller boned girls, but I was nowhere close to being overweight or having a struggle with food.
This one day I followed my model for self-hate into an office building. Nervous, unsure, and no idea where I was being taken. Signs on the wall said “hypnosis”. Feeling confused, a creepy old man led us into a small office. There were two green, puffy recliners on the left facing a huge blank white wall. It was a narrow, tight room – like a walk in closet. At least it felt that way.
I walked by him to my designated recliner. As I passed by him I had no idea what to do with the creepy energy I felt from him. He looked me up and down and said to this spunky pig-tailed girl “she’d be cute if she lost a few pounds.”
Bam. There it was. It’s like this automatic processing system his words went through in my mind. Through my heart. Through my soul. Out the other side came “there is something wrong with you”.
This began the cycle of a buried belief I wanted no one to ever find out about me. I stuffed it down with food. I tried to release it through fad diets (including pills with who-knows-what in them), starvation, and extreme exercise. Binge eating, drinking, dieting, and exercise was my cycle. All to numb that painful belief. Something is wrong with me. My cycle of survival worked. I’d lose weight. But, I’d soon find it again. Sometimes I’d find more weight than I lost.
It was an emotional and physical roller coaster I was on for the many years that followed that one day. The damage to my body wasn’t to the depths of what it did to my emotional well-being. On the journey to finally releasing and keeping off 100 pounds it was healing the emotions, that buried belief, and giving space to the feelings I’d stuffed for so long. That is what sustained the release of all that weight. Not because I ate less or exercised more.
So, I know, I really know losing weight is not a simple formula. It’s quite complicated with a painful buried belief about yourself. It’s complicated when you’ve learned food is a source of comfort. It’s complicated when you don’t have a model for self-love or self-acceptance.
In these few days I’ve spent in LA I’ve been really observant of the level of self-acceptance of my physical being. My body isn't perfect. It holds scars of my weight loss and weight gain journey. But, it certainly feels much lighter on my emotional well being. I accept exactly where I am right now and grateful to be healthier than I’ve ever been – on all levels. In 33 years, I’ve come a long way, baby.
Here's my formula - Radical Self-Love + Radical Self-Acceptance = happiness, health, and a bad ass beautiful life.
Don’t you just hate that about them? That 'thing' they do. The way they behave? The annoying traits...
A friend called for guidance. She’s in one of the best relationships of her life – he just might be her future husband. It’s been a beautiful journey for me to witness.
She didn’t like what she was seeing in herself. Her behaviors, how she was feeling. She’s noticing how she is acting out in this relationship the ways her exes had with her in past relationships. Men would act out in jealousy, insecurity, and fear. She couldn’t stand seeing this in them. It kept her from ever really committing to being with any of them.
Now, she is doing these exact things. She asked me why. Why is she doing the very exact things she hated when her exes did it? How is that possible?
What you see in another is a reflection of you. The things you love about another and the things you can’t stand in another you have within you.
What she was seeing in these past relationships were parts of her that she was dismissing. Her jealousy, her insecurity, and her fear. The only way you can see qualities within yourselves is reflections back from another. She wasn’t ready to see it for herself then. She is ready now.
That is what relationships do. They teach you about you. They bring out in you what you can’t bring out on your own. The most challenging relationships have the biggest lessons and opportunities for learning.
She has an opportunity now. A choice. She can continue to try and dismiss these qualities in herself – and probably sabotage the relationship. Or she can observe herself and learn to accept and integrate these parts of her. She is choosing love. She is choosing to accept these parts of her.
Wonderful. But, I encouraged her to go deeper. What is below the behaviors? She says - Fear. Fear of him messing up and kicking him to the curb. Go deeper I say.
It’s never about the other person. Ever.
What is it about you? You. Not him or what he’ll do. You. Ah, she realizes. It’s her fear of having to start all over with someone new. Maybe. Maybe not. Go deeper.
It’s the fear of being alone. There it is.
I do know a couple of things. Where you put your attention, it grows. The more fear you feed of him messing up, the likelihood it will happen.
Keep your focus within. It is the only place real change can occur.
The other thing I know is if this were to end, there is no going back. The man after this one would only be better, aligned with who she is. Because she is growing and expanding and loving herself more.
You’ll attract love at the level in which you love yourself.
So, what you see in another – love it up. Accept it, embrace it, and observe what you’re being shown. As you accept and embrace what you’ve dismissed in another, it inadvertently uplevels your acceptance and love for yourself. And this can only expand out into all experiences and relationships in your life.
Well, energy. What does energy have to do with Love?
A friend recently asked me "Do you have an opinion on age difference in dating?" My response?
"Love knows no age or number."
When it comes to Love it's not about anything outside of you. It is within. It is your energy. It is where your heart is ready and aligned to interact with next. It is what you're ready for. It is about what is for your highest and best good.
Your highest and best good looks like....
Probably not anything you would imagine. This person whom you attract into your life is precisely who you're meant to dance with now. They may be older, younger, not in the profession you thought your partner would be in, have tattoos, have a dog (you don't like dogs), yadda yadda yadda.
How will you know?
You'll know by how you feel when you're with this person. Are you excited? Intrigued? Do you feel heard? Is there a common exchange of interest between you both? Is there a chemistry, an attraction? It's not always about the physical attraction either - again, energy.
What does energy have to do with Love?
Everything. Energy is nervousness and excitement. Both normal feelings when meeting someone new. But, don't let that hold you back from moving forward. Love is energy. Fear is energy. Energy will also keep you from attracting who you really desire for yourself.
Fear and Love.
Fear and love cannot coexist. When it comes to attracting love and relationship, if you have past pains from previous relationships still in your heart that will prevent you from opening up to another in a healthy way. You might find yourself reaching out for another relationship to heal your broken heart, but chances are that won't last. If you have buried beliefs about Love ("all the good ones are taken", "I'll get hurt again") you'll experience exactly what you believe.
Love is not anything outside of you.
It is about what is within. Heal your heart. Heal your past pains. Transform your buried beliefs. Align your energy with your hearts desire. Sounds more difficult than it really is, but OH, so worth having what your heart and Soul truly desire.
Treat Yourself as You Wish to Be Treated
You attract to you what your energy gives out.
You teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself.
How do you treat yourself?
- Are you always the last on your own list?
- How do you talk to yourself? What does that inner voice say to you?
- Does somehow the goals you have for yourself fall to the wayside?
- Do you abuse yourself with overworking, overeating or 'over' anything that makes you feel bad?
When you don’t make yourself a priority, no one else will.
No one can see you as more of a priority or more important than you see yourself. They see what comes from you. They treat you how you treat you. Would you want to attract someone into your life who treated you disrespectfully, didn’t make you a priority, or didn’t have time for you?
Is self care and self love being selfish? No.
Here’s how to shift what you're attracting:
- Show yourself love, compassion, and understanding (for wherever you are right now). Uber self acceptance is where it all begins.
- Give yourself time. Make time to do things you enjoy - writing, yoga, painting, sifting through books at a bookstore, sip coffee or tea at a shop.
- Give yourself what you’re reaching out for another to give you - Love, caring, understanding.
- Honor the commitments you have to yourself. Do you want more exercise, more relaxation time, a vacation, get that office organized, regular time with family and friends? Do it.
Begin treating yourself how you want to be treated and you'll see Love expanding in your life. Don't settle for less than what you desire - "The One" is out there waiting for you!
"You accept the love you believe you deserve."
Want to know what will knock your energy out of alignment with attracting the one?
Settling for less than you really desire and going on dates with just anyone to get out of the house or for a free drink or free meal. No judgment here – I’ve done it and learned from it!
You want to know how to prepare for "the one"? It is NOT going out with just anyone!
Intention trumps action.
I’m all about exploring and seeing if there is chemistry but, if they have qualities on your “no way” list or you’re simply not feeling it then don’t waste your time or theirs!
How you behave and treat others is or will be mirrored back at you - in the dating process or in another area of your life (some call it Karma or law of attraction).
If you're spending your time and energy with someone you know isn't what you desire, you're sending the message to the Universe that this is 'good enough', aligns you with this energy, and prevents what is really meant for you to find its way to you.
I know being alone can feel terrible at times (physically and emotionally!), but it's in the times you spend alone where you can heal from your past and prepare yourself to become the person you want to be with!
If you’re finding it difficult to be alone with yourself, how can you expect to attract someone into that same space and energy?
Sabrina experienced a HUGE change in who she was attracting.
“Since connecting with you and putting your guidance into practical use I have taken on an entirely different approach to dating and it has yielded AMAZING results! Things are looking up. Each time the date gets better!”
Work on you. Become your own best company. Tap into your creative, playful side. Do the things you’ve wanted to do. A woman with a life outside her work creates a fire within and a life full of passion and excitement. When you’re full within, you have so much more to share with another. And that in itself is attractive to others.
"No one can deny you or grant you anything. It all comes to you by virtue of your vibration." ~ Abraham